David Cameron wants the British Film Industry to focus on films that are commercial successes. Thank god we have him as our leader.
Feelgood endings are another mainstream necessity. Why go to the cinema to watch a film about desperate, blighted lives, when thanks to Cameron you’re already living one – in cutting-edge 3D. Not that directors shouldn’t make films about ordinary paupers, provided they’re left smiling at the end. One of the main reasons David Cameron enjoyed The King’s Speech is that it showed him how a man less privileged than himself overcame his lowly breeding and learned how to conquer a stammer. Compare that with a film such as Fish Tank. People said Fish Tank was brilliant but it didn’t outperform Transformers: Dark of the Moon, because they neglected to put any 200ft robots in it, and no one victoriously punched the air at the end.
The British film industry needs to have the courage to think inside the box, sinking its money into guaranteed box-office hits such as Absolute Beginners and that Alien Autopsy comedy starring Ant and Dec. If you want commercial success, look at what’s packing them in down the multiplex, and give them more of the same – only morer and samer. People hate variety. They don’t want anything “new”.
Superhero films are guaranteed box-office gold – so let’s make a British one: a Dark Knight facsimile about a vigilante Beefeater in a rubberised outfit who lives in the Tower of London with an army of ravens. Also, how about Paddington Bear as a wisecracking CGI hero? The marmalade sandwiches he enjoys won’t “read” overseas, so we’ll replace those with peanut butter and jelly, but otherwise he’s exactly the same loveable British Paddington Bear, minus the bit about him being an immigrant from darkest Peru. Also, he wears sunglasses and says “woah, THAT’s godda hurt!” and is voiced by Ashton Kutcher.
Actually, Cameron isn’t an utter philistine. He approvingly referenced the Lindsay Anderson film If … on the Today programme. Which is odd because If … is precisely the sort of film that would never, ever get made if his advice were heeded.